Sinking

“ i always get myself into this mess. i always let him tell me i am beautiful and half believe it. i always jump thinking he will catch me at the fall. i am hopelessly a lover and a dreamer and that will be the death of me” – Rupi Kaur

It is a fog. I can feel it nesting throughout my mind – heavy, grey.

It covers any sort of positive thought with its heavy grey mass, the positive and logical thoughts I have been trying to build in my mind since this last happened.

The guilt and anger of feeling like i’ve lost that progress, it just adds to how much of a faliure i already feel like.

My eyes feel heavy, but i have had about a 24 hour sleep.

i can feel it. it’s in my stomach. an empty void that is sucking all the life out of me. the black hole i have been desperatley tried not to let consume me.

it’s a constant ache.

every single beat of my heart is pumping this sadness through my body like it has replaced my blood.

the void that everyone keeps telling me to fight against. to do things that make me feel better.

there’s no point.

i feel paralyzed.

i am not enough. i have never been enough. people moving on to others and leaving me just proves that – it proves that i lack something.

it proves that i was not enough for them to stay. it proves that i was delusional for ever believing their words.

maybe i expect too much.

i am a bottle of emotions waiting to explode.

i see the scars on my body.

they have also seen the scars on my body.

i hate them. they make me more ugly.

i will never have a beautiful body.

this is no one’s fault but mine. i will never blame.

i feel like i can’t escape.