The Ache

The thing about this sadness is that it never really goes away. Some days its a dull ache, or could morph into emptiness. Some days it can be covered by drugs and alcohol and the fake happiness and release it gives me.

But days like today it is like an ocean that has just engulfed me complelety.

Sadness has always been a part of my life, I guess it is one of the few things that hasn’t actually left me. I’ve realised I’m scared of happiness, because it always abandons me. Just like my BPD makes me terrified of people leaving me. It is only temporary for me. But sadness, it never leaves.

I look at myself in the mirror or on the front phone screen camera while this depressive episode consumes me, and I see the bags under my eyes even though I have slept all day, but the life in my eyes has dimished, my eyes just look different. I lay in bed and it feels like concrete but it’s like im paralysed, like theres weights in my stomach holding me down. All I can do is stare at the wall. It takes way too much energy to even put on a movie. Even then, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on it. I probably have assignments due today, and emails I haven’t replied to.

To others, i am nothing. I am that annoyance and burden that no one wants to talk to. The last option. The person that is left one way or another. I am too much. I drift, I don’t want to speak to people. I don’t want to see people.

I lay here imagining myself dead. How much easier it would be. I always have. I should’ve died a long time ago. I honestly have not had a normal life because of mental illness. It has fucked up so much.